Was I controlling in my last relationship, or were they?

You find out by looking at what you each did, not what you each felt: who checked whose phone, who questioned whose plans, and whose world got smaller over time. The post-breakup part is the hard one. You can’t redo that relationship, but an honest review (one that neither punishes you nor explains it all away) is exactly what changes the next one.

Both of you can have done some of it. Their part doesn’t cancel yours, and yours doesn’t cancel theirs.

How do you look back without spiraling?

Malcolm, 25, broke up with Cleo, 24, three months ago, after two years and one shared lease. In the last real conversation, Cleo said, “I felt watched.” He’s been replaying it ever since, usually at 1 a.m., usually ending on either “I was a monster” or “she was impossible.” Neither one helps.

Try the four-line split instead, in his details:

• What happened: he kept her location on, asked who was at her run club most Saturdays, and once read her messages while she showered. She went through his phone once too, after a fight.
• The reading: “I was just scared of losing her,” or “I’m a controlling person.”
• The fear: that he’ll do it again with someone new, or that he’s the bad guy in every version of the story.
• The next step: name the specific behaviors, stop any that are still happening, and get help with the fear driving them.

Behaviors are things you can change. Labels are things you get stuck in.

What counts as controlling, looking back?

Not every check-in was control. “Get home okay?” after a late shift is care. The line is whether your checking made their choices smaller: where they went, who they saw, what they could keep private, and whether saying no came with a cost.

It’s easy to miss from inside, especially at your age. Griffith University researchers found that most young people in their recent research read tracking a partner through Snapchat, Find My or Life360 as protective, a sign of care and trust.1 So if you thought of location sharing as love, you weren’t unusual. That doesn’t mean it felt like love on the other end.

Passwords work the same way. In a 2025 study of 299 adults, people who felt good about sharing passwords with a partner were more likely to actually share them and more likely to monitor their partner’s social media accounts.2 Fewer than half of participants were in favor of password sharing at all.2 Translation: “we share everything” can slide into “I check everything” without anyone deciding it should.

What if they did it too?

Then both things are true. In a first serious relationship, two anxious people can teach each other the same habits fast.

But keep the accounting honest. “She did it too” is a fact about her, not a defense of you. And there’s a different question underneath: were you ever afraid of them? Afraid to disagree, to go out, to not answer? If so, that’s not a matched set of bad habits, and you deserve support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (linked on this page) is a good place to talk it through with an advocate.

Is any of it still happening?

This is the part to check tonight. After a breakup, the checking often doesn’t stop. It just moves to stories, mutual friends and “active now.”

In a survey of 200 people aged 19 to 24, Jeffrey Foshay and Lucia O’Sullivan describe unwanted pursuit (repeated contact, tracking and monitoring an ex doesn’t want) as common after breakups, usually by the person who got broken up with.3 People who ruminated more pursued more often and in more ways.3 Replaying it at 1 a.m. and checking her location at 1:05 a.m. are connected.

If you still have her location, turn it off. Mute or unfollow. Don’t send the long apology text she hasn’t asked for. Respecting her space now is the first piece of evidence that you’ve changed.

How do you own it without punishing yourself?

Here’s the counterintuitive part. Being harsh with yourself doesn’t make you change faster.

In four experiments, Juliana Breines of UC Berkeley and her coauthor Chen found that people who took a self-compassionate view of a recent wrong they’d done were more motivated to make amends and not repeat it than people who just tried to feel good about themselves.4 Self-compassion isn’t letting yourself off. It’s what makes looking at it bearable enough to keep looking.

If an apology ever becomes appropriate (because she’s reached out, or said she’s open to talking), make it about responsibility. In an Ohio State study of 755 people, acknowledging responsibility was the most important part of an apology, and an offer of repair came second. Asking for forgiveness mattered least.5 “I tracked you and questioned you, and that was wrong” beats “I’m sorry you felt watched.” If she hasn’t asked, the apology lives in how you treat the next person.

Who can help?

• A licensed therapist or your campus counseling center can work on the fear that drove the checking. That’s where the lasting change happens.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (linked on this page) isn’t only for people who were harmed. It hears regularly from people worried their own behavior has been unhealthy, treats them with respect, and can point them to programs that help people change.6
• One honest friend, not the whole group chat. Ask for the truth, not comfort.

What to do this week

• Name three behaviors, not one label. “I read her messages once” is something you can work on. “I’m a bad person” isn’t.
• Stop anything still running. Location, story checks, asking mutual friends about her.
• Write down the fear each behavior was trying to calm. That list is what you’ll bring to a therapist.
• Book the session with a day attached. Thursday, not “soon.”
• Decide one thing you’ll do differently with someone new, like no location sharing for the first few months, or saying “I’m anxious tonight” instead of “who’s there?”

What doesn’t the research show?

• The Griffith finding comes from Australian young people. It shows how common the “tracking is care” reading is, not what was in your head.1
• The password study surveyed adults of all ages at one point in time, so it shows a link, not that sharing caused monitoring.2
• The pursuit study was one online survey of young adults, and it can’t predict what any one person will do.3
• The self-compassion experiments measured motivation, not whether people actually changed long term.4
• No checklist can decide who was “the controlling one.” It can only help you see your own part and choose who to talk to.